


you are everything i wish i could tell you

by commovente



Category: Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Angst, M/M, Relationship Study
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-10
Updated: 2016-02-10
Packaged: 2018-05-19 13:04:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5968282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/commovente/pseuds/commovente
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p><br/>“ne, kuro-rin.”</p>
  <p>“what is it?”</p>
  <p>“…nothing. it’s nothing at all.”<br/></p>
</blockquote>
            </blockquote>





	you are everything i wish i could tell you

**Author's Note:**

> cross posted from [tumblr](http://aobaejousai.tumblr.com/post/138925575954/hi-andrea-3-for-a-fic-promptwhat-about) for mandy, who asked for something for something tsubasa with caitlyn siehl's poem _i wrote out six messages, then erased them all_ ([x](http://alonesomes.tumblr.com/post/50998854913/i-i-was-the-first-person-to-teach-you-that-love)) which is referenced throughout this fic.

**(six: i’m sorry i was your lighthouse. i’m sorry you couldn’t see the wall of rocks on my shore.)**

they lie together in the night because it’s dangerous to be alone.  _imagine that_ , fai thinks, and the irony isn’t lost on him, that they share the same bed to keep each other from the demons guarding this world they’ve found themselves in. 

after all, fai knows the real monsters don’t live beneath the shadows of the city, or even in the darkness just under their bed. the real monsters, fai knows, live in a landscape as familiar as the space between his chest and kurogane’s back, inside his head, trapped in a world of his own creation, and how do you escape from feeling trapped beneath your skin?

_look in the mirror, see your own face staring back, hey, tell me, tell me, how am i supposed to live with that —_

the answer is you can’t, so fai doesn’t. 

 

**(five: none of this was your fault.)**

sometimes fai lies on his side, hovering in that nameless place between sleeping and waking, listening for the steady push and pull of kurogane’s breathing. he familiarises himself with the slope of kurogane’s spine, imagines the way each bump dips and bends, dreams of courage enough to reach out his hands, palms open, to slip slim fingers against broad chest, feel each beat of kurogane’s heart till he can recall its rhythm perfectly with his own. 

in another world fai manages to fit himself somewhere in between, muscle and sinew and bone falling away until nothing else separates them, a place filled with nothing but heart, heart, heart. 

fai wonders, alone despite someone else just inches away in the same bed, what sort of price he’d have to pay to live in a world like that. he comes up blank every time, though, the monsters in his head whispering  _you can’t buy something that doesn’t exist._

**(four: i really did love you. i just couldn’t claw my way out of the ground to do it properly.)**

the bed groans, and kurogane shifts, fai’s eyes automatically seeking the changes in his silhouette the new position creates. kurogane exhales, not quite a snore but somehow equally comforting anyway, and oto is a country named after sound but fai’s voice is far, far away, stuck in his chest while his ribs crash together, bending apart, curled around a wanting hollow where kurogane’s name longs to be.

 

**(three: on my worst days, you were the only word i could say without clenching my fists.)**

 

“ne, kuro-rin.”

“what is it?”

“…nothing. it’s nothing at all.”

  
**(two: on my worst days, the sky was a festering wound that wouldn’t heal. i didn’t want to be that to you.)**

when the dream ends in the morning fai wakes up again, always making sure to get out of bed first. it’s petty of him, yes — childish, too — but fai does it anyway, goes through the motions like clockwork because that way he won’t ever have to wake up to being left alone. he thinks kurogane might be beginning to catch on to what he’s doing, but if he is he doesn’t let on and fai doesn’t ask.

after all, it’s not like fai can blame him for any of this: both of them swept up in the same currents, rushing towards an end as inevitable as it is intoxicating. if fai had to give this, this whatever-they-are a name, he thinks he’d name it  _familiarity_. 

he certainly wouldn’t call it  _safety_ , doesn’t dare let it measure up to anything like  _comfort_ , absolutely doesn’t flirt with the possibility of calling kurogane  _home_.

_but in the end, they’re all each others’ home, aren’t they? each others’ touchstone in times and worlds and people that always, always change._

so fai pokes and prods, testing kurogane’s patience and finding begrudging, fond exasperation instead, laughs as kurogane roars, pretends their back-and-forth doesn’t summon another word into his head, cast aside but unsuccessfully ignored:  _real_. 

 

**(one: i was the first person to teach you that love was not always a white light to a ship lost at sea.)**

“hey.”

fai hums, feigning less attention than he’s actually giving.

“oi. mage.”

it would be better for them both, probably, if he would just ignore kurogane properly, fai thinks. as the saying goes, you can’t lay down roots without first planting a seed…

“ — damn it, fai. listen to me.”

but see, here’s the thing: even though fai’s brain says one thing his heart says something else entirely and as he turns to kurogane, he starts to realise just how badly he’s overestimated himself, leaving his faith in self-control that had long since replaced itself with —

“oh, did you say something, kuro-sama?” 

colour finds its way to kurogane’s cheeks, red, and fai smiles as kurogane’s mouth moves to spit out whatever sorry excuse of a scolding he thinks will finally get through to fai, which it won’t.

fai smiles and smiles, doesn’t ever stop, can’t afford to, because if fai can’t even smile anymore he’s not sure what he’d have left.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!
> 
> [tumblr](http://aobaejousai.tumblr.com)//[twitter](http://twitter.com/kitaiichis)


End file.
